Do you have a hard time asking for help?

As Women on Fire, asking for help is an essential life skill, like learning your ABCs. And let’s face it, these past couple of years have been tough. We can all use help with something.

Yet most of us admit we aren’t so great at asking for help.

Writer Agapi Stassinopoulos, who is better than anyone I know in asking for help, once shared with me her philosophy:

“It was something that my mother taught me … to simply ask people in a gracious way for whatever I might want from them. I am ruthless. I will ask for anything. I see a nice person and I ask, ‘Do you mind helping me?’ Nine times out of 10 they are very happy to help.”

The hardest part about asking for help is fear of rejection.

You have to believe you are worthy.

It might help to remember:

I put my own advice to the test on a cross-country flight after a drunken, vulgar-mouthed man plopped down in the window seat next to me.

At first, I tried to simply ignore his crudeness, swearing, and wild attempts to engage me in conversation, including calling me “baby.”

Next, I considered silently slipping a note to the flight attendant, but I stopped myself. I realized this was situation where I needed to take real action and ask for help because there would be a price to pay for not asking — a rough and uncomfortable five hours.

So, I unbuckled my seatbelt, walked to the front, and told the flight attendant about the man.
“I need your help.” I explained.

The crew sprang into action, and I was quickly moved to another seat.

I had been concerned about the man’s reaction. I didn’t want to humiliate him publicly (even though he deserved it), nor did I want to put out anyone else by changing seats. Fortunately, my request for help was handled professionally by the flight attendants. The man did make derogatory comments when I moved, but he was instructed to sit in his seat and stop speaking. Surprisingly, he complied.

Like most everything, the more you practice asking for help, the better you will become at it.

One strategy for developing the skill is to consider right now: What do you need help with? Who can you ask? How will you approach them? (Remember Agapi’s mother’s suggestion about being gracious.) If they say no, how will you react? And then who will you go to next to ask?

Please share with me a time you asked for help and received a surprise or benefits beyond what you ever expected. We all learn from each other’s courage. Happy asking!

Love,

One of the hallmarks of being a Woman on Fire is that we are aware of our powerful impact on others. Today, I want to shine a light on a single word that hinders conversation and, in fact, can stop it right in its tracks.

Word choice can influence meaning, especially for women who pride themselves in responding thoughtfully and caringly.

A single offending word can deflate instead of enhance someone’s life.  There is a word with the power to pull the rug out from under another’s achievement, joy, excitement, or accomplishment.

That word is:

You see it on social media and hear it frequently when sharing your good news. Here are some examples taken from Facebook:

Using the word “jealous” — or thinking you’re being playful with “jelly” — may be intended as a compliment or teasing, but often it just knocks the person down.

When you eagerly announce something you’re proud of, excited about, or looking forward to, and someone responds, “I’m jealous,” it doesn’t feel good. It takes away from the joy.

And it goes even deeper. The person who responds with the word “jealous” is deflated, too. Using that word energetically creates a distance between desire and believing you can truly have it.

By saying you’re jealous (or envious), you set yourself up to believe good things happen to other people.  Not to you.

The truth is you deserve to have your successes and joys celebrated and supported — fully and with great enthusiasm!  No sideways responses accepted.

As Women on Fire, we work to positively impact the world by uplifting it.

So, the next time someone shares her joy or success, what will you say? Try one of these!

Juggling work and relationships is challenging enough without trying to find time for personal goals.

Our true longings and creativity often struggle to rise to the top. And life’s simple pleasures may be almost completely forgotten.

How can we break free of these smothering tendencies and create a life filled with meaning and pleasure?

Help is on the way!

For our October Book To Live By, I am so pleased to recommend:

The Wild Woman’s Way: Unlock Your Full Potential for Pleasure, Power, and Fulfillment by Michaela Boehm 

Michaela Boehm, a life counselor trained in psychology and the yogic arts, believes the key lies in listening to your body. Her many years of giving workshops and private sessions lay the groundwork for the teachings in this practical and powerful guide.

In Wild Woman’s Way, Michaela shares simple exercises and rituals using the senses, touch and physical movements. They will help you to break unhealthy patterns and create deeper relationships with partners, your own body, and even with life.

Michaela’s profound stories and strategies will help you to reconnect with your own sensuality, strength and awareness.

The audiobook is also lovely. Michaela’s calming voice carries her wisdom, warmth and caring straight to your heart.

Are you ready to get wild?

The Wild Woman’s Way is available from Amazon: https://amzn.to/2A6L1xv

Love,

Hello and welcome back!

Thank you for your great comments about Day One.

So, Brene.

Sweet, adorable, brilliant, funny, vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown.

The woman who has coined “whole-heartedness is a revolution.”

The woman who has studied the questions:  what makes us vulnerable? How do we experience shame?

No wonder Oprah wanted her to be a guest on not one, but two, Life Classes, which will air on OWN Network September 22 and 29.  She’s a brainy academic with a sensitive school-girl’s heart.  And she’s hilarious.

Her path wasn’t straight and narrow.  She was 29 when she received her bachelor’s degree. She dropped out of college, hitchhiked through Europe and waited tables before finding a career that suited her.  And a career in vulnerability was the furthest thing from her mind.  “Our family motto is ‘lock and load.'”

Many of you are already in love with her.  You were captivated by her TEDx Talk video on vulnerability – or her second TED Talk appearance on shame.  Or, maybe it was her voice in her best-selling books The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly that spoke to you as though she were your best friend.

The wisdom in her books and videos underscore and celebrate many of our Women on Fire aspirations – such as asking for help, connecting with others in a soul-satisfying way and cultivating a “tough mind” but leading with a “tender heart.” It was wonderful to see these principles alive on stage in this magnificent woman.

What was she like in person?

My first encounter with her was when she came out on the set with Oprah and the taping began.  They had rehearsed earlier in the day.  Still, their discussions were funny, fresh and spontaneous.

Here are some of Brene’s gems:

• When you can’t ask for help without judging yourself, then every time you offer help to someone else you are judging them.  Judgment is all about our own worthiness.
• We judge in areas where we aren’t comfortable ourselves. Parenting (and how we parent) is a judgment minefield.
• You can’t love with a closed heart – and you can’t be seen if you are “armored up.”
• You can’t do anything brave if you’re wearing the strait-jacket of what will people think?
• We never feel more alive than when we are being brave and there is nothing more brave than feeling vulnerable.

Myths of vulnerability:

• Vulnerability is weakness
• “I don’t do vulnerability”
• Vulnerability is letting it all out hang out
• We can go it alone

Some powerful thoughts from Brene for you:

• Only share vulnerability with those who have earned the right.
• Be aware of healthy striving vs. perfectionism. Healthy striving is an internal process. Perfectionism is driven by what will people think.
• If perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun, and fear is the backseat driver.
• When failure is not an option, innovation is not an option.
• Every single one of us struggles with shame.  But shame cannot survive being spoken.
• Know your triggers around shame. What makes you feel unworthy? Your weight? Your clothes? Your education?
• The antidote to shame is empathy. You can help others by letting them know: you’re enough. I hear you. You go, girl. It’s OK, you can do it.

After the tapings, we all headed upstairs into Oprah’s private space at Harpo.

In Oprah’s living room, Brene, 47, who grew up the oldest of four children in San Antonio, Texas, greeted her mother and her much younger twin sisters Barrett and Ashley. And, of course, Oprah.

She then approached my row of friends in the studio audience — Jodi Salata, Amy Shanahan and Kim Zizic — and thanked us, saying she looked out at us during the tapings and could feel our support!

Then we chatted about Women on Fire and she mentioned she was delighted that Meredith Schoenberger (from Women on Fire!) had asked a video question during the show.

She could not have been sweeter or friendlier.

And, if I have to sum up the presence of Brene Brown?

Very real, very loving, and walking her walk to be vulnerable.

In the end of her life, how does she want to be remembered?

“That I contributed more than I criticized.”

Tomorrow:  My Visit To Oprah’s, Part Three – What is it like at Harpo studios? Who really runs the operation? And answers to your questions!

Are you in a relationship? Do you fear that you aren’t making enough time for your own personal growth? Are you looking for ways to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself, and the one you have with your partner?

Discover How To:

* Invest in yourself as an individual

* Strengthen the relationship you have with yourself

* Spice up your relationship with your partner

* Create time and space for your relationship to grow

Hear what Debbie has to say in less than 3 minutes…

What do you to do grow as an individual? How do you keep the spark alive in your relationship?