How to Get Back on Your Path When You Fall Off

by on August 24, 2015

If this is your first Women on Fire SPARK! since you registered, welcome!

And, if this is the first time you’ve heard from me in a while, I’ve missed you.

We’ve upgraded the way we provide you inspiration, strategies and support with a new video format to make communicating a little more personal.

Let me know if you like it!

My goal is that in three minutes or less you can learn something to lift you up in your life.

You know those times in your life when you wonder where you’re going? Those times when you feel you’ve fallen off your path — and you’re not sure which way to turn?

If you need to get back on the road to the life you want, here are two strategies that will help you:

Key Takeaways

1. Keep a journal for 6 weeks, without reviewing it until the end, keep track of the single thing that brought you joy at the end of each day. After 6 weeks review and observe patterns that appear. Those patterns are usually a great indication of what you need more of in your life.

2. Enlist the help of your family, friends and colleagues. Create a quick questionnaire for them to fill out. Ask them to reflect on what they as your greatest strength and gift.

Keep me posted on how these strategies work for you.

And let me know …

If you’ve ever fallen off your path, how did you get back on track?

Love,

Debbie Signature

P.S. For further support to take next steps in your life, check out “Finding Your Next” by Jan Allen in our book: Women on Fire: 21 Inspiring Women Share Their Life Secrets (and Save You Years of Struggle!)

P.P.S. Give yourself the gift of a Women on Fire journal here.

Spark Copy opt in box for blog

Filed Under: Strategies, The SPARK! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The 5 most-often questions you ask me… Answered!

by on December 15, 2014

Ho! Ho! Ho!

If you’re anything like me right now, you’re eagerly tidying up 2014 to bring on the holidays and 2015.

(And I hope you’re having a little fun doing it as my colleague Meredith Schoenberger …uh, I mean Santa Claus … and I did last week during the Women on Fire Holiday Live Chat!)

Before we say goodbye to the year, I want to share with you the five questions I am most frequently asked.

These questions come to me all year long either in emails or private conversations or in public talks or forums.  Some are personal; some are serious; all are asked with love and genuine curiosity.

1. Debbie, you’re so positive. You’re so perky. Are you ever in a bad mood?

Hahaha! I was tempted to invite my husband answer this question. 😉

Born on June 25, I am a Cancer, a Moon Child, so I wax and wane with the moon.

When I was a little girl, my mother would exclaim of my flair for being emotionally up or down (sometimes every other minute), “you’re sooooo dramatic and moody!”

I wish I knew then what I know now.  I would have flung myself across the floor and implored of her, “But, Mom, I am a Cancer, trying to express myself, and I am being mysteriously controlled by the moon!!”

I AM a positive person, and I see the glass half full, but that doesn’t keep me on occasion from being cranky, sad, angry or depressed about something upsetting.

Fortunately, after years of therapy and personal development, and at a stage in my life where I am happy, content and deeply fulfilled by my marriage, work, friends, family and colleagues, I have strategies to cope with the times I’m less than my happy self.

Chiefly, I stop the action and ask myself what is really at the core of my upset or mood. Self-awareness is key to living your dreams — and peace of mind.

No one can stay perky 100% of the time. Including me. (I am tempted though to ask Katie Couric how she does it?!)

2. Do you believe every person has a (fill in the blank) gift/spark/passion/purpose?

Yes, I do!

I’ve talked with and coached thousands of women over the years, and unless someone was profoundly and clinically depressed, I have always seen a spark inside of every single person.

She may not feel it.  She may not even believe it’s “in there.”  But it is.

Best-selling author Deepak Chopra once said that the single greatest job a parent must do for their child is to help them find their gift, their purpose, their passion.

Some of us are lucky and know it early on.  Others of us spend our lives seeking it.

But yes, your passion is in there and it is our parents’ jobs to help us find and nurture it when we are young. And, if we haven’t found it by the time we’re adults, we must make it our quest.

And age is no barrier to finding, embracing, and manifesting your gifts.

3. I’m not on fire.  How can I get in touch with my passion – and how will I know when I find it?

Do you remember a time you were “on fire” in your life? If so, that’s what finding your passion feels like.  You are utterly absorbed.  It doesn’t feel like work.  You’d do it for free.  It feels right.

Here are two quick ways to find your passion:

Slow down and listen to yourself.  Read. Explore. Allow yourself to feel. Go for joy, whether it’s volunteering at an animal shelter, baking a great pie, or skiing down a mountainside.  Whatever brings you joy, do more of it!

Ask others you trust what they see are your gifts, strengths and talents?  Often, those closest to you, including children, know what you are special and gifted at doing – even if you aren’t sure.

Why should you put in the effort to find your passion?  You will spend the rest of your life way happier and more fulfilled!

4. Don’t you get tired listening to people’s problems all the time?

Although I no longer have a one-on-one coaching practice (I’m too busy running Women on Fire!), I have coached women for nearly two decades.  I consider it an honor when people share with me their deepest dreams, desires, pain and disappointments.

A great coach (therapist, teacher, parent, friend) remains separate from the person who entrusts them with their heart and soul.

The truth is I am actually enlivened when I get to share in women’s lives as they search for, discover, struggle and go for their dreams – bumps and all!

I have never been tired by the gift of listening to someone genuinely and authentically share her journey.

What is tiring — and why I suspect I get this question — is because we all know someone who is a help-rejecting complainer.

These are people who have no intention of a better life although they claim otherwise. They live to complain, throw up roadblocks, make excuses, tell you why it won’t work, and in general, stay stuck and miserable. No matter what you do to help!

That’s tiring. It’s not the Women on Fire way of living so you don’t have to worry about that here!

And, while I’ve placed it as the fifth question, the question I am asked MORE than any other is …

5. What about Men on Fire?

The fact that this question is on so many women’s (and men’s) minds tells me there is a crying need for a way for men to connect as we do here at Women on Fire.

Because I hear this question so often, I’ve wondered about it myself.  And I believe that Women on Fire receive so much joy and connection from this community that they want it for their husbands, boyfriends, partners, sons and male friends, too.

Many of you know my husband Rob Berkley is an extraordinary executive coach who works with a lot of men.  So I know from his work, too, that there is great need.

I believe in the future there will be a “Women on Fire” for men to gather in ways that suit their particular needs just as we’ve done here.

In the meantime, the greatest gift we can give the men in our lives is to be our full and radiant, confident and loving selves.  It’s inspiring for men and women alike to see a woman go for it!

Thank you for your questions.  I’m always happy to answer whatever is on your mind.

Thank you so much, too, for being a part of this ever-growing circle of thousands of women dedicated to being your best.

I’ll be back next week for the final SPARK! of the year.

Then, together we’ll welcome a new year and a fresh start to making your dreams come true.  What is it you want to be telling me a year from now about your life? 🙂

Love,

Debbie Signature

Spark Copy opt in box for blog

 

Filed Under: Inspiration Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A simple skill that can make a big difference for you

by on November 3, 2014

How’d you spend your extra hour last night!?

The wind and rain and a few snow flurries whooshed through the woods all night and day here on Martha’s Vineyard.  I took full advantage of that extra hour and stayed under the covers, occasionally peeking out the bedroom window at incredible autumn beauty!

Welcome to you – and to hundreds of you who are new this week to The Spark!

Women on Fire came into existence more than a decade ago with the belief that if you have access to inspiration, strategies and support, you can greatly increase your ability to live your dreams and make a difference in the world.

Our topic today focuses on an important strategy for your success — having the awareness and skills to respond.

Responding is a simple skill and essential behavior for effective communication, that if not practiced can lead to upset, conflict and diminished success.

Years ago, when I coached women one-on-one, responding was often one of the first skills I would work on with leaders to help them achieve.

Here are two recent emails I received that reveal what happens when we fail to respond:

Dear Debbie,

My boss never tells me I’m doing a good job.  Even though my performance reviews are always stellar, I’d like to hear throughout the year when I do a good job.

It makes me nervous and it’s so stressful to have to wait until my annual review to learn whether I’m on track.  I don’t want to seem too needy by asking for an occasional compliment.

I’ve started to look elsewhere for a job, but I really love the work I do and don’t want to leave. Any thoughts?

Love, Cathy

And this one:

Hi Debbie,

My husband and I see a couple we enjoy a lot.  But they both have the same quirk.

Sometimes when we’re invited to their house, they don’t even look up and greet us after we’ve come in.  Other times, I might share something personal or exciting or important and they don’t comment – or they’ll change the subject.

Other than that, we have fun with them and would like to continue our friendship. Is there anything we should say or do?  I’m sure we have our own quirks that bug them!

Thanks, Liz

The issue both Cathy and Liz are frustrated by is a lack of response from people who are important to them.

Most likely, if Cathy’s boss or Liz’s friends knew how much their behavior hurt them, they’d be shocked.

People don’t respond for a variety of reasons. In my two decades as a life and executive coach, I’ve observed that most people who don’t respond simply never learned the skills and are unaware that they aren’t responding.

What non-responders don’t realize is that by failing to react, they can leave others feeling wronged, confused, embarrassed, shut down or unimportant.

We talk here often about how changing other people’s behavior is difficult, and usually nearly impossible! So the best place to start here is with ourselves.

In this instance, being a great communicator, vital in today’s Information Age and connection economy, starts with you becoming aware of how well you respond.

Check out your skills in the nine-point quiz below. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 as never and 10 as always, how would you rate your ability to “respond?”

1)   When I notice someone doing something positive or good, I almost always acknowledge it.

2)   When I am distracted, and someone speaks to me or arrives in the room, (this includes your kids!), I apologize and inform them I’m distracted and not focused on them right now.

3)   In conversation, I am aware of when I change the subject, and why.

4)   I make sure people feel heard and celebrated, if appropriate, when they are sharing important news.

5)   If I don’t know what to say in response to someone, I at least acknowledge them. (i.e., Wow, I see you’re excited about that, etc.)

6)   If I truly have no words in response to someone, and I sense they are needing one, I ask permission to think about it and get back to them.

7)   When someone gives me a compliment, I thank them and tell them how their compliment made me feel.

8)   If someone has crossed a boundary with me, I tell them clearly and directly without being confrontational, allowing the moment to pass, or shutting down. (i.e., “It’s not OK with me”…”that doesn’t work for me,” etc.)

9)   I believe there is plenty in this world for me, and I easily and enthusiastically honor the achievements and successes of people I care about.

Cathy and Liz, I see you are disappointed by the lack of response from your boss and your friends.

Make sure that you become the outstanding communicators and exemplary role models in “responding” that you are wishing for from them.

For Cathy, it is perfectly appropriate to approach your boss multiple times a year and ask: “I am eager to stay on track, will you please tell me one thing I’m doing well so I continue to do that?”

For Liz, when your friends fail to respond to your achievements or news, you might say: “There aren’t very many places I can celebrate my success and I feel safe in our friendship to share. Are you OK cheering me on?”

And, when they don’t greet you with enthusiasm when you arrive at their home, you might ask: “Should we come back at another time?”

Or, you could throw your arms around them, take their faces in your hands, and say “HELLO, I’ve missed you and I’m so happy to see you!!!”  If that doesn’t work, you might need new friends 😉

Keep us posted on how things work out for you.

As for you, which of the “responding” skills in the quiz do you need to work on?  What support do you need to make it happen?  Good luck and feel free to share onthe blog.

Have a wonderful week and I’ll see you next week!

Love,

Debbie Signature

P.S. Women on Fire monthly members, I’m thrilled to announce you will receive in your mailbox this week an extraordinary interview with Thirty-One Gifts FounderCindy Monroe!

At 29 and with two small children, Cindy started a business in her basement. Eleven years later, that business now has more than 1,500 employees and 100,000 sales consultants. You are going to love hearing just how Cindy did it!

[hcshort id=”6″]

Filed Under: Strategies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Getting Stuff Done!

by on August 25, 2014

My husband Rob Berkley, in addition to be one of the best coaches on the planet, is an amazing photographer.  (I’m embarassingly biased, I know, but he does have a few fans other than his wife!)

To welcome our hundreds of new Spark! readers this week, I asked him to share some of his latest summer photos with you. I hope you’ll be as inspired by his work as I am.

I think a lot about Rob when I struggle to fit it all in and get things done.

How is it possible, for example, with a full time-and-a-half job he has time to pursue and master his love of photography? (The half-time part of the job being my Honey-Do list for him!)

In the 15 years that we’ve been together, I’ve come to realize his magic:

He treats his time and energy as precious resources.

Do you?

I know I don’t.  And, it’s something I strive to improve upon.  For Women on Fire to pursue and live our dreams, I believe one of several keys to success is cultivating respect for our time and energy.

First, we have to be clear on what we want. Then, we have to determine the steps and take action to get what we want, and that entails honoring and organizing our time and energy in ways similar to Rob.

For example:

  • Rob rarely watches television
  • He starts his morning with practices that launch him into a powerful day (he journals, stretches, meditates, feeds the kitty, brews and delivers me a cup of coffee, possibly his most important job of the day! 😉
  • He rigorously notes and keeps a list of tolerations (the little and big things we tend to put up with that can annoy, frustrate and trip you up) and he works diligently to remove them from his environment
  • He masters his tools and uses time-saving technology such as Evernote and his iPhone timer to keep himself on track
  • He kindly says no to people and things he doesn’t want to do
  • He rarely procrastinates in making a decision and so the “no’s” don’t stack up and eat away at his energy
  • He works from home, proclaims a stop to his day, and rarely emails or texts after 6PM
  • Before he leaves the office, he makes a plan for the next day.

And then he takes a 30-minute daily walk with his camera. So he not only gets exercise but he practices a craft he’s loved since he was 11 years old.

After his walks, he excitedly brings home his photographic bounty.

And that, my sweet woman on fire, is the cherry on top of his time-management sundae!

 My wish is for you to adopt time-saving strategies to streamline your life and work so you can spend more time doing what you love and dream of!

This is a topic we will be discussing in our monthly membership program throughout the fall.

Have a wonderful week! I will be taking a break until September 8 for a little rest and relaxation.

Thank you for being you, and I so appreciate your role in our ever-expanding, powerful circle of fabulous women!

Love,

Debbie Signature

Spark Copy opt in box for blog

Filed Under: Inspiration, Strategies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Downsized 4 X

by on August 9, 2010

It’s Sunday.  And, I have a confession.

I haven’t gotten out of my jammies yet today. (Wearing my favorite ones that Woman on Fire Rosemary Nickel sent me from PajamaGram!)  Oh, does this feel good – and ever-so-slightly naughty;-)

Rob left before dawn today for Mara Glazer’s Social Media seminar in Baltimore.  Wilber and I are home alone.  And, because he lies around himself and naps all day, I think he loved having a pal to do nothing with.

I ate when I wanted; skipped making the bed and unloading the dishwasher; yakked on the phone to Shannon McCaffery and to my mom; read Rolling Stone and World Pulse magazines; brewed a pot of hazelnut coffee (which Rob doesn’t like because it makes our house all smelly); and even drank a diet Coke, which I rarely, rarely do anymore.

In short, a Heavenly day of nothingness and everything-I-love-ness.

Hope you get the same chance every once in a while. I’d love to hear on our blog what you do when you have time to do absolutely nothing!

Today’s SPARK! is a strategy for what to do when you are faced with a major transition.   I am borrowing from the wisdom of Women on Fire book co-author Shannon McCaffery.

You see Shannon was laid off from jobs in the corporate world FOUR times in nine years before she found her true passion and became an entrepreneur.

She is uniquely well-qualified to talk about what an upheaval it is to unexpectedly lose your job!  

(Although you may have a hint your job is on the line, it’s still a shock when it happens.  You need a strategy to work through the loss and regain your balance.  This holds true even if you didn’t like your job.)

The results from the recent Women on Fire survey revealed that a large number of you are going through a major transition and that many of you have experienced job loss, whether of your own choice or not.

When I was compiling the Women on Fire book, I invited Shannon to share her experience of repeated job loss. I was inspired to see how she coped through some very tough times and how well it all turned out for her.  She wrote an excellent, strategy-filled chapter called “Breaking Loose From Corporate America” – 7 Secrets To Being Let Go From Your Job.

In Shannon’s words, here are her seven secrets to surviving a major transition:

1)   Surround yourself with support – “This was a lifesaver for me: having a coach, therapist, friends, family and my dogs. It was incredibly helpful to know I wasn’t alone.”

2)   Tame your mind – “My mind was my worst enemy. I took up the practice of meditation and learned how to calm and quiet my mind.”

3)   Take yourself on vacation – “Taking myself to Peru and experiencing Machu Picchu with a group of spiritually inclined people was just what my workaholic soul needed to open up to my life.”

4)   Feel your fear; it’s OK – “I was so scared about not knowing how I was going to pull through. I faced my fear and created a mantra that I repeated 40-50 times a day: ‘I will find the perfect home and perfect job for me and my dogs by Nov. 1.’” (And, she did!)

5)   Reach out to experts – “I can’t say enough about having a coach, a therapist and any other specialist you need to see your way through a transition. Yet, it’s not enough just to have them in your life, but it’s about picking up the phone and asking them for help.”

6)   Indulge in self-soothing – “There are many things you can do to make yourself smile, laugh and feel good inside. From aromatherapy (candles, incense, soaps) to baths, body lotions, flowers and ice cream.”

7)   Comfort your body – “Your body keeps a lot (bound up) during major transitions and change. You need to take extra good care of it with rest, exercise and a massage…or two or three.”

Today Shannon is happy, healthy and successful in her life and work in her own business.  She’s gone from being down-sized to “right sized!”

As The Marketing Implementer, she helps other entrepreneurs successfully launch their products and services into the world.

For more details about Shannon’s experience, you can read her entire chapter in the Women on Fire book.  She also has an excellent, free monthly newsletter of marketing tips that I highly recommend.

Do you have your own experiences of going through a transition? Please share by going to the blog.

Well, that’s it for today.  I love having you here.

And, by the time you read this, I might…I’m just saying I might…have taken a shower.  On the other hand, Wilber hasn’t meowed a complaint.  So maybe I won’t:-)

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,