The 5 most-often questions you ask me… Answered!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

If you’re anything like me right now, you’re eagerly tidying up 2014 to bring on the holidays and 2015.

(And I hope you’re having a little fun doing it as my colleague Meredith Schoenberger …uh, I mean Santa Claus … and I did last week during the Women on Fire Holiday Live Chat!)

Before we say goodbye to the year, I want to share with you the five questions I am most frequently asked.

These questions come to me all year long either in emails or private conversations or in public talks or forums.  Some are personal; some are serious; all are asked with love and genuine curiosity.

1. Debbie, you’re so positive. You’re so perky. Are you ever in a bad mood?

Hahaha! I was tempted to invite my husband answer this question. 😉

Born on June 25, I am a Cancer, a Moon Child, so I wax and wane with the moon.

When I was a little girl, my mother would exclaim of my flair for being emotionally up or down (sometimes every other minute), “you’re sooooo dramatic and moody!”

I wish I knew then what I know now.  I would have flung myself across the floor and implored of her, “But, Mom, I am a Cancer, trying to express myself, and I am being mysteriously controlled by the moon!!”

I AM a positive person, and I see the glass half full, but that doesn’t keep me on occasion from being cranky, sad, angry or depressed about something upsetting.

Fortunately, after years of therapy and personal development, and at a stage in my life where I am happy, content and deeply fulfilled by my marriage, work, friends, family and colleagues, I have strategies to cope with the times I’m less than my happy self.

Chiefly, I stop the action and ask myself what is really at the core of my upset or mood. Self-awareness is key to living your dreams — and peace of mind.

No one can stay perky 100% of the time. Including me. (I am tempted though to ask Katie Couric how she does it?!)

2. Do you believe every person has a (fill in the blank) gift/spark/passion/purpose?

Yes, I do!

I’ve talked with and coached thousands of women over the years, and unless someone was profoundly and clinically depressed, I have always seen a spark inside of every single person.

She may not feel it.  She may not even believe it’s “in there.”  But it is.

Best-selling author Deepak Chopra once said that the single greatest job a parent must do for their child is to help them find their gift, their purpose, their passion.

Some of us are lucky and know it early on.  Others of us spend our lives seeking it.

But yes, your passion is in there and it is our parents’ jobs to help us find and nurture it when we are young. And, if we haven’t found it by the time we’re adults, we must make it our quest.

And age is no barrier to finding, embracing, and manifesting your gifts.

3. I’m not on fire.  How can I get in touch with my passion – and how will I know when I find it?

Do you remember a time you were “on fire” in your life? If so, that’s what finding your passion feels like.  You are utterly absorbed.  It doesn’t feel like work.  You’d do it for free.  It feels right.

Here are two quick ways to find your passion:

Slow down and listen to yourself.  Read. Explore. Allow yourself to feel. Go for joy, whether it’s volunteering at an animal shelter, baking a great pie, or skiing down a mountainside.  Whatever brings you joy, do more of it!

Ask others you trust what they see are your gifts, strengths and talents?  Often, those closest to you, including children, know what you are special and gifted at doing – even if you aren’t sure.

Why should you put in the effort to find your passion?  You will spend the rest of your life way happier and more fulfilled!

4. Don’t you get tired listening to people’s problems all the time?

Although I no longer have a one-on-one coaching practice (I’m too busy running Women on Fire!), I have coached women for nearly two decades.  I consider it an honor when people share with me their deepest dreams, desires, pain and disappointments.

A great coach (therapist, teacher, parent, friend) remains separate from the person who entrusts them with their heart and soul.

The truth is I am actually enlivened when I get to share in women’s lives as they search for, discover, struggle and go for their dreams – bumps and all!

I have never been tired by the gift of listening to someone genuinely and authentically share her journey.

What is tiring — and why I suspect I get this question — is because we all know someone who is a help-rejecting complainer.

These are people who have no intention of a better life although they claim otherwise. They live to complain, throw up roadblocks, make excuses, tell you why it won’t work, and in general, stay stuck and miserable. No matter what you do to help!

That’s tiring. It’s not the Women on Fire way of living so you don’t have to worry about that here!

And, while I’ve placed it as the fifth question, the question I am asked MORE than any other is …

5. What about Men on Fire?

The fact that this question is on so many women’s (and men’s) minds tells me there is a crying need for a way for men to connect as we do here at Women on Fire.

Because I hear this question so often, I’ve wondered about it myself.  And I believe that Women on Fire receive so much joy and connection from this community that they want it for their husbands, boyfriends, partners, sons and male friends, too.

Many of you know my husband Rob Berkley is an extraordinary executive coach who works with a lot of men.  So I know from his work, too, that there is great need.

I believe in the future there will be a “Women on Fire” for men to gather in ways that suit their particular needs just as we’ve done here.

In the meantime, the greatest gift we can give the men in our lives is to be our full and radiant, confident and loving selves.  It’s inspiring for men and women alike to see a woman go for it!

Thank you for your questions.  I’m always happy to answer whatever is on your mind.

Thank you so much, too, for being a part of this ever-growing circle of thousands of women dedicated to being your best.

I’ll be back next week for the final SPARK! of the year.

Then, together we’ll welcome a new year and a fresh start to making your dreams come true.  What is it you want to be telling me a year from now about your life? 🙂

Love,

Debbie Signature

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‘You go, girl’ strategies

Hello to you from Martha’s Vineyard, where it is blissfully quiet and peaceful this time of year.

Quite a contrast coming from bustling New York City where this past week I got to see many of you, and it made me oh-so-happy!

A group of us attended the Women on Fire-sponsored “Our Inner Lives” event featuring Marianne Williamson, singer India.Arie and other spiritual leaders, organized by feminist.com.


Some of the Women on Fire who spent time with Marianne Williamson: Jessica Robinson, me, Jenifer Madson, Marianne Williamson, Jan Nolte, Shannon McCaffery, Robyn Silverman, Holly Getty, Janina Sebesky and Michelle Whittaker.

Women on Fire from as far away as Ohio and California joined us in New York to be motivated and inspired by Marianne’s wisdom.


Becky Counts Freese, owner of Cookies on Demand in Montpelier, Ohio, traveled to New York to meet Marianne!

As many of you know, Marianne came into my life (thanks to Woman on Fire member Kelly Boggs who introduced me) nearly two decades ago when I was picking up the pieces of loss, despair and uncertainty in my life.

Her wisdom guided me to the very happy life I now live!

In fact, Marianne’s spiritual teachings and  ‘you go, girl’ encouragement saved my life.

She helped to bring me back from the brink after losing to death my beloved mother-in-law, then getting divorced, coming to a fork in the road with my career, moving to a new city, and eventually finding love again.

A teacher, author and lecturer for more than 30 years, Marianne has published ten books, including four New York Times #1 bestsellers.

I know many of you know and love her work with The Course In Miracles.  If you don’t know about Marianne, I encourage you to check her out.

My favorite is her prayer book Illuminata.  But if you are reading her for the first time, you might start with her classic A Return To Love.


Celebrating at lunch with my wonderful friends — Marianne, Edward Beck and Kathy O’Hearn

Today I want to share with you five powerful, ‘you go, girl’ strategies I learned from Marianne – and continue to follow — to create inner peace so necessary in this crazy world.

1) When I have conflict with another person, I take this action:

“Who is more sane in this moment?” It is the job of the person who feels the most sanity to listen and attempt to understand the other party in a conflict.

2) When I feel scared or that I am not good enough, I read this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

“We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

“There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

3) When I can’t forgive, I remember:

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.”

4) When I feel depressed or lost, I consider:

“We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.”

5) When I feel overwhelmed by negative emotion, I go here:

“Always seek less turbulent skies.
Hurt. Fly above it.
Betrayal. Fly above it.
Anger. Fly above it.
You are the one who is flying the plane.”

Even though these strategies of Marianne’s wisdom may seem simple, if you practice them, you will find your burdens lifted in ways you can’t imagine.

Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.

The other night in New York Marianne reminded us of the power of the ‘you go, girl’ attitude and the absolute necessity to have each other’s back, if we are to change the world and our lives.

“It’s time to encourage each other. It’s time to say to each other, ‘You go fly. You can do it. You’re brilliant.’ The only way we can believe that about ourselves is if we help other people feel it about themselves.”

Cheering each other on is what we have been doing at Women on Fire for 10 years.  And encouraging each other to fly is what we will continue to do.   From Marianne and me to you — you go, girl!

*This week’s Spark PINspiration*  

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